What happens now that the Chiefs are Super Bowl Champions?
The Infinite Multiverse. The idea that there are an infinite number of parallel universes, each only separated by atomic magnitudes. In that multiverse, there’s a universe that is entirely the same as ours - in every respect -except for the fact that instead of eating toast for breakfast in July of 2015, you had eggs. There’s also a universe where the Kansas City Chief’s Super Bowl drought continued for another 50 years. And another where it continued for 100. 150. 200. And so on. There’s a universe where the NFL has expanded to Mars - teleporting an entire team of cyborg-superhumans from another planet to Dallas for Sunday Night Football – in which the Kansas City Chiefs are still waiting. Lucky for them, we live in the universe where that wait is over.
So now what happens to…
49ers fans
Boo, you, 49ers. I want that in writing. BOO, YOU! As a Saints fan, I have a real hard time finding sympathy for the Niners. They’ve beaten the Saints in more high-pressure moments than any other team I can think of (and there are a bunch of teams that have beaten the Saints in high-pressure moments). Plus, the 49ers have more all-time talents in their history than The Irishman.
So now that they’ve lost, I can only assume that the fans completely turn on the franchise. Yeah, they have a quarterback that looks like he should be starring in a Transformers movie, and yeah they probably have the best cornerback of his generation and yeah they have the best young defensive player in the league and yeah they have a very capable front office and yeah they have a young and innovate head coach (who’s so innovative that he loses the big games instead of winning them like every other sheeple head coach), but Bay Area fans will leave the franchise in mass exodus, rendering the team completely unviable in its current market.
The only thing left to do is sell the team. And where does it move? It should probably go somewhere it can experience a true American fanbase. A place where winning isn’t just an aspiration; it’s a habit. I think it should be moved somewhere that will bring pride to an entire state. Nay, the entire country! Finally, the greatest state in the union will be rewarded with the most historic football team in the league. Kansas City, Kansas becomes the new home of the Kansas City 49ers.
Chiefs fans
I grew up in Kansas (I’m sorry too) and know a ton of Chiefs fans. What happens to them now? I honestly don’t know, man. The sky’s the limit. Now that they’ve won a Super Bowl and have Pat Mahomes, I would walk into the tattoo shop tomorrow and get the following tattoos, from the base of my neck down to my lower back:
2020 SB CHAMPS
2021 SB CHAMPS
2022 SB CHAMPS
2023 SB CHAMPS
2024 SB CHAMPS
2025 SB CHAMPS
2026 SB CHAMPS
2027 SB CHAMPS
2028 SB CHAMPS
2029 SB CHAMPS
2030 SB CHAMPS
2031 SB CHAMPS
2032 SB CHAMPS
2033 SB CHAMPS
2034 SB CHAMPS
2035 SB CHAMPS
Be optimistic. Even if you’re only right like a third of the time, THAT’S STILL 5 SUPER BOWLS!! Someone has to go ahead and bite the bullet on this one for the greater good. Don’t be selfish.
Andy Reid
I’m so happy for Andy Reid. I’ve always thought he was a standup guy. He loves football, loves his players, loves life, and is really goddamn good at his job. It’s so cool to see guys who deserve rings get them. I think that Andy Reid is going to spend the next week or two drinking and eating whatever he wants; enjoying this crowning moment of his professional career. But I think that this championship unlocks something inside him. He might not have ever even known it, but he was carrying around a heavy burden as the winningest coach without a Super Bowl. Now that he’s got it; colors seem brighter. The air smells cleaner. And life is full of possibilities. I think Andy Reid disappears for 5 months.
Nobody sees him in that time. He makes some phone calls to assure others of his well-being, but nobody knows what’s going on behind those closed doors. July comes. Training camp starts. (I don’t know how the media works on the first day of training camp so this could all be wrong but bear with me, it’s a joke) Reporters wake up bright and early to interview defending Super Bowl champion head coach Andy Reid. They’ve watched the tapes. They’ve reviewed the roster. They’re bringing a hot cup of journalism to the table – no cream, no sugar.
They stare at the podium waiting to start dealing out questions like they’ve got a hot streak in blackjack.
Footsteps echo down the hallway.
Gasps are heard.
Doors open.
And through them steps a man no one ever even dared to imagine.
Ripped Andy Reid.
Patriots fans
I hope Boston fans were all rooting for the 49ers so they could claim to have had a clear line of succession between the league’s best quarterbacks. I hope they were all waiting for Jimmy to win a chip so they could say “Look at how good Belichick is! He had a Super Bowl quarterback that nobody knew about just waiting in the wings! WE COUNT THIS RING TOO!”
And then I hope they got sad that he lost. And I hope they remember that Tom Brady is kind of a fuckin weirdo and is also maybe probably going to leave the Pats/retire. And I hope they remember that they traded Garoppolo away for one second-round pick. I hope they remember that if Brady leaves, they’ll have Bill Belichick who, though he is the greatest coach of all time, still has the personality of a two-week old crab cake.
I’m a man of simple pleasures. And one of them is the idea of sad Boston sports fans.
Pat Mahomes
This is the one that really gets me going. Check this: the Chiefs lost the first Super Bowl ever played. Before winning last Sunday, capping off the NFL’s Centennial season, they hadn’t won a Super Bowl in 50 years.
Pat Mahomes played maybe the worst game of his playoff career. And it was still good enough for the Chiefs to come back against the one of the league’s best defenses on the biggest stage in North American sports. The guy’s 24 and probably should’ve just added hist second ring to his hand, not his first. 286 yards, 2 TD’s and 2 picks on 42 attempts = Super Bowl MVP. If that’s as bad as Pat Mahomes can be; the rest of the NFL is unequivocally and unilaterally fucked.
It took 50 years for the Chiefs to win this Super Bowl. That’s a lot of time and a lot of history that’s passed them by. The canvas of the NFL’s history now stretches over 100 years. The Chiefs are overdue for their turn to start painting on that canvas. And it looks like Pat Mahomes is holding a big goddamn brush.